Life redefined

 

A cousin asked me if I have anyone in particular whom I specially turn to in life, to confide in, share my worries with or to blast out at when in tension. Being the mostly private person that I am, I answered cautiously that as a teen I used to be really close to my brothers and late sister.

 

Of course he noticed the past tense! More prodding, then how about now? Are you close to anyone NOW?

 

Having turned 32 recently and feeling obligated to let the young adult gather information about life, I resigned myself to the interrogation. I went on to answer him rather openly that my brothers got married when I was 13 years old and my sister passed away when I was 16. I didn’t feel the need to get close to anyone after them as I strongly felt it’s an even lonelier feeling to miss someone than not to have anyone to miss at all. To end my heavy confession on a light note, I added on that nowadays I just blast at anyone who pry and come nosing about my business if need to let out any frustrations :P

 

He’s a 19 years old young adult. He found it appalling that I hold no one in confidence the way he does. He’s probably in a state of disbelief and now under the impression that people like me are loners, losers and anti-socials.

 

I had the same notions when I was a green-horned teen. I used to believe that people I trust will always be there for me whenever I needed them. To catch me when I fall, to get me out of trouble, to sooth my wounds, to wipe my tears, to take away the pain. I gradually realized that nothing much in life is permanent (it’s funny how the things that I hated most never failed me! Namely zits and pms). I had to let my brothers go (as in I don’t get to be in their company 24/7), because after marriage it was only right that they concentrated on their families. I had to let my sister go because death is part of everyone’s life. To think that they will always be with me was my fallacy. I don’t hold such expectations anymore now. I have learnt to expect nothing from people around me and enjoy the occasional surprise when someone is kind to me hehehe. But how would he understand all these things right? He still has 13 years to go before he turns as cynical as me :P

 

Anyways, having had that conversation set me thinking about the drastic changes I have seen in my own self over the years. Changes on a subconscious level of awareness of course. I admit that I no longer hold any clear definitions of things. It scares me on one hand and on the other hand that’s the cycle of life. I remember my not-so-distant youth which was filled with blind trust, puppy love(s?), unrealistic ideals, fat huge dreams and unwavering believes.

 

Not that all the above do not linger in my mind anymore, I would say the mechanisms have changed. Now that the notions cease to exist, I have learnt that I can hate and love at the same time. I can see the right and still am able to understand the wrong. I loathe black but can’t stop myself from questioning if white is really white. Where did the boundaries go? Life experiences are such wonderful teachers! Pfffftt!

 

What I really want to say is that the meaning of things such as trust, love, and belief changes with every new experience in life.

 

As for the ever changing people in life, after much intelligent thoughts, I have decided that people DO NOT change over the years. Our personality traits just become richer over the years. People close to us begin to see other sides of our nature. With every passing day, we let our guards down slowly and we let people around us view us as we really are and were from the start. The wholesome us! We are not changing, we’re in fact giving others a complete piece of ourselves. With that, I have now ended the torment I have been through for the past few months. I had the (mis?)fortune to glimpse the evil side of someone really dear to me. For a long time, I couldn’t bring myself to stomach the fact that people I love could possibly change overnight and are capable of such evil actions (yet another fallacy which wasn’t taken into account until now). Presently I have enlightened myself that, (I wouldn’t go as far as saying that we are born with evil streaks but rather) we develop good and evil aspects in our growing personality from the time we were able to process thoughts in our young minds. And it took me 7 years to finally witness the complete, wholesome person that I thought I knew so well. 

 

To cut the long story short, almost every possible emotion in life needs to be redefined over the passing time. Don’t cry if someone in your life is a “changed person”, that person has probably given you the best of himself/herself (for the better or worse, depending on how you see it)