Friday, June 13, 2014

Two and a half years later

Dusted my hardly used laptop and decided to browse through my favourited links. I know I favourited my own blog, do not judge me.

When I created this new post, it's a bit like coming back home after two and a half years. LOL

I won't lie, the first thing I wanted to do was whine over here about every darn thing which kept me away from my blog but I refrained because I have matured like that.

This blog needs a name. There has been enough going and flowing, time to get things a little bit in order and gain some momentum in life. Soon!!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Warning: Blog update from a whiny, pregnant woman

It’s been ages since I blogged! I doubt anyone reads my blog anymore, but that’s okay. Lost all interest in life ever since I started growing a baby. Sounds bad, no I don’t mean that I don’t want to live anymore but I just got terribly lazy and listless and moody over the past few months. Let’s blame the hormones!!
My crafts, books and baking stuff have all collected a considerable amount of dust. Normal times, I would have at least wiped off the dust and do some rearranging but right now I just look at the dust and go back to being the whale that I have become.

Baby bump is expanding and stretching away like there’s no tomorrow, I feel horribly bloated all the time. I know it’s part and parcel of pregnancy but I still feel like venting anyway. Come to think of it, I can’t remember much about the excitements and wonders of my first pregnancy. But the complaints and pains remain very much vivid in my memory. After 11 long years, everything seems so new now. Even the baby movements never fail to catch me by surprise! 
2012-01-24 16.04.53
That’s me bump at week 28! No one was impressed. Everyone said it’s too small, I bet they were jealous I had less weight to carry around huh!
Sameer is excited to be a big brother. He’s learning about human reproduction in school now. Yesterday he told me that he’s even more interested during science lessons now as he can see the reproduction happening live to his mom! But really at 11, isn’t it too early for kids to learn about sex? He’s talking about sperms and eggs!! I know I have to somehow explain to him how the sperm got together with the egg but being his mom he still seems like a baby to me! I’m such a desi mom I know.
On the positive side, he expressed that Allah planned a younger sibling for him at this time because he’s learning about reproduction now and thus Allah’s timing is perfect. MashaAllah, I hope he has this faith and trust in Allah at all times in his life.
I hope to blog at least weekly, but let’s see where my hormones take me. I know I need to exercise some amount of self-discipline instead of blaming hormones all the time. Like for example my BP has been slightly on the higher side during my gynea visits. So I know I need to be wary of my salt intake but I still eat away anyways?!?! Makes me wonder which fuse is not functioning in my head. Whichever hormones are attacking and taking over my mind, I hope they go away soon.
Can’t wait for April to claim my old self back!

Friday, October 21, 2011

After day 5

Alhamdulillah, Ammi is breathing on her own finally! That means her oxygen level is on a very safe level and her heart has stood by her.
She’s off the sedatives as well, which sadly means she can now feel the feeding tube and the catheter. It can be very uncomfortable and painful! It was heart breaking to see her writhing in pain on the bed. Furthermore her hands has to be restrained for fear of her pulling off the tubes as she’s not fully alert yet. She’s not allowed to eat and drink yet and she kept asking for a drink, her mouth must be really dry right now! This is much more painful than seeing her asleep for the past few days : (
Day 6, she was transferred out of critical care and into the high dependency cardiology unit. Breathing very heavily. Very confused and disoriented. She kept asking for coffee, of all things!! And she’s not even a coffee drinker! Later on she asked my cousin if there’s a well downstairs! lolz.
Day 7, she’s much more alert and her senses which were put to sleep for so many days finally came back to present. Today she knew she’s in hospital and she didn’t touch her feeding or oxygen tube or the catheter. She did asked for coffee again though heheh, tomorrow I might give her a few drops when the nurses are not looking. Or maybe I’ll give her tea instead. I must ask around first, to make sure a few drops of coffee or tea are not dangerous for her!
I keep my relatives updated on FB daily, so that I don’t have to answer the same lengthy question to a dozen people. I know I’m being a brat, people ask because they care. Stress does weird things to my personality!
I try to post positive updates about Ammi because that’s what everyone wants to hear! But of course I can’t deny the fact from myself that her heart is 80% bad. I just want to see her comfortable in her bed. I pray that Allah makes everything easy for her. I don’t harbour hopes of her getting back on her feet and going back to normal. After a heart attack, parts of the heart die and can never come back to life again. Having said that, if Allah wills it, I will never deny His miracle!
Days 8 to 12, she have been recuperating very slowly but surely. Able to eat small portions of very soft food by now. Doctor is worried about water in her lungs so her liquid intake by mouth has to be limited. Shifted to normal ward, except for the feeding and oxygen tube in her nose there are no other wires and tubes attached to her! What a relief! By now she looks as good as before, which is truly Allah’s miracle. She started throwing tantrums wanting to go home and getting a proper bath. The nurses have only been able to sponge her all these days as the various tubes can’t be stretched to the bathroom. She keeps saying she wants to wash her hair! When she realised her wishes are not being fulfilled, she said her children are abandoning her at the hospital lolz. She sounded really cute! Makes me want to care for her like a baby. I finally gave her tea, which she has been asking for for the past few days. As with any liquid we give her, it has to be mixed with a thickener, to prevent her from choking. Day 12 they took off the oxygen tube, her breathing has improved. I reminded the nurses to give her a proper bath the next morning.
Day 13, I didn’t visit her today. Was feeling totally drained out, but thank Allah for the many siblings I have who are always with her. I was actually feeling good, that she will finally have her bath today!!
Day 14, she was sleeping when I walked in and she slept through the day. Doctor said her blood sugar is not good, she looks weak and on drips again. The nurse told me she wasn’t able to eat comfortably as she keeps coughing out. Which means her food is going into her airways. She has a throat x-ray tomorrow, feeding by mouth is stopped till the doctor is absolutely sure it’s safe. Poor Ammi, she have been asking for a warm cup of chai the whole time I was with her. I left early as I still wasn’t feeling well.

And between all these worries, 2 days back I also found out I’m pregnant!?!?! AFTER 10 LONG YEARS?? Too many things to take in right now. I shall let the shock?surprise? sink in before I can talk about it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Day 5 in ICU


Today is the 5th day Ammi has been in the ICU. So much unpredictability and anxiety, wondering what will happen next. I spend the days looking at the screen which shows her heart beat, blood pressure, breathing and pulse. Apparently stress has caught up with me and returned me to blogging!

Ammi is 82 with history of high BP, diabetes, high cholestrol and slight heart problems. She can’t see well but she have been very independent in terms of caring for herself like walking, bathing and eating.

Ammi was at my sister’s place when she had the heart attack. I believe it was a silent attack as it’s normally the case with diabetic patients. She was rushed to the emergency room at Changi Hospital when my sister found her unconscious and all pale in bed. Got the news first thing the morning, but wasn’t able to see Ammi as they were fixing her up with tubes and wires! One procedure after another. Late afternoon they let us take a peep at her, just the sight of her surrounded by the ventilator and the numerous machines made me feel hopeless.

So day 1, heart specialist told me the medical team managed to unblock one of the 3 heart vessels which were blocked. Kidneys were not so good as well, due to the heart medications. Bleeding in the urine. Heart is only 15 to 20% good. BP refuses to go up to normal, had to put her on another machine to help with that. Low oxygen level in the blood, needed breathing support. Doctor said no surgery due to her age. The doctor looked glum, everything looked really glum.

Day 2, no improvements. BP stabilised by the machine and various medications. Internal infection, had fever and on antibiotics.

Day 3, same condition but they lessened her medication dosage for the BP. No fever but continues to be on antibiotics.

Day 4, late evening they took her off the BP machine. BP looks stable, but dips low every now and then. Till today she’s still on sedatives. She has to sleep so that her heart can rest.

Day 5, more blood tests to be carried out this morning to check on her oxygen level. If tests are good, she can be off the ventilator. Getting ready to go check on her now and felt like letting things off my chest. I don’t exactly look forward to seeing her lying down cold and motionless.

Every day, her ward is packed with her kids, siblings and relatives. Everyone tries to wake her up, not knowing that she’s on sedatives. Explaining to everyone is kind of tiring, most people don’t understand. I know I’m being unreasonable but I’d rather everyone just pray for the best for her. Yesterday Ammi moved a bit in her sleep and this kind aunty came out shouting and telling everyone that she moved, she’s okay now!! While she was doing her happy dance, I was silently wishing the kind aunty would vanish from the ward. I know I’m being unreasonable AND mean.

I feel like I’m preparing to go the battle ground, so heavy hearted but I can’t wait to see Ammi. So off I go! Prepared for the worst but hoping for the best I guess.

Keep us in your prayers folks!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A little update

It’s been 2 long years of being a SAHM! Despite that, nothing productive on the blogging front from me. Have not been reading either. Urrrmmm, temporarily lost interest in alphabets maybe? Have been using other parts of my brains though, the part which makes me sew and create crafts. And yah, have not baked either. Been a little OCD about cleanliness around the house too which means more nagging at senior and junior Sheikhs. I still don’t believe in making my bed every morning but now I’m getting a tad particular about tidiness and organised storage. Wonder what’s all that about. Anyone? At first I thought I had Anhedonia, and then I realised it’s totally not possible because I have not lost interest in food LOLZ

Right now I’m a few many kilos heavier than before and fairer (protected from the harmful rays of the sun, cooped up at home)

I do not have a car to drive anymore. We sold it off. Mr Sheikh is getting a mini van! I sorely miss driving Lancer! Not too confident about driving a manual mini van right now, but inshaAllah I shall practice!

Mr Sheikh is due for a knee surgery. Within a month most probably, just got the MRI done. Deteriorating parts apparently.

Sameer is sooo grown up, I want to shrink him and hide him back in my womb! I realised that when I had to care for him like a baby while he had a cast on his hand. I mean there he was, my baby but a really huge one! And often I find him taking care of me instead of the other way round!

I want to do something really amazing in this short life but haven’t got the idea yet. First I need to venture out of my comfort zone and face some fears. Ya Allah, please strike your magic wand at me but it has to be near my brain cuz things look pretty messed up there. Thank you.

Mom is in great health, 3 brothers are at loggerheads, 3 sisters are far away in Pakistan, one more sister is lost in her own world. Thank you Allah, for mom’s good health and the many siblings to call my own. Sometimes I feel like crying and laughing at the same time but I guess I better laugh. I don’t want to grow old earlier than I should!

I saved the best news for last. Brace yourself.

Mr Sheikh will not keep parrots caged anymore! To my surprise, he actually set the yellow parrot free last week!!!! I was so happy, for the parrot and for a feather-free and bird-litter-free home!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A little insight into my new blog title

I wanted to talk about my new blog title in my previous post but I forgot! That’s how forgetful I am. And this absentmindedness got worst after a couple of anesthesias in life. Okay I don’t know how true that is but I did got more forgetful after a surgery few years back!

Of the various lessons I learnt in life, one of the important lesson was to learn to go with the flow of life. I discovered that listening to my intuition makes life so much easier and forgivable! With all the noise that we live in, it would be necessary to block out the unnecessary noise around us so that we can tap into our hearts for the right directions. I guess these feelings do come with age and maturity because I don’t remember having such strong, meaningful feelings when I was younger. Now, I’ve never been sure how we feel with the heart but I guess listening to the heart doesn’t mean the organ itself but wherever (in the brain?) the feelings of love, care, gratitude, wisdom and peace are stored. I read in Dr Christiane Northrup’s Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom that every organ in our bodies are constantly communicating with our brains, a stressed organ send messages to our mind and that’s how we end up in the state of mind that is stressed. Does make sense to me! But we live in a world full of distractions, we seldom have the luxury of peace and tranquility to listen to our bodies or nature!

I decided to change my blog title as I feel more at peace with life now than say, 6-7 years ago. Recently “What a life” began to sound tiring to me!! I went back to read my old, old posts last night and I was brought back to the highs and lows I felt all those years. The things I wrote and the comments from all of you, brought tears to my eyes! Though it felt like I was reading someone else, familiar yet strange! Experience have made me a better person in numerous ways and yet at times I can’t help but feel a certain sense of loss. Loss of innocence maybe? The way I used to believe every single word people tell me and the trust I had in people around me. The length I would go to for the people I love and never expecting anything in return. I want to be honest to myself, if not to anyone else. I truly miss being that person sometimes. I know being gullible is not exactly the most wonderful trait but it has it’s own charm you know! Life used to be pretty straight forward, not much thoughts went into wondering about people’s ulterior motives. Bliss! But of course life taught me a thing or 2 to change all that.

I believe that changes are good. Things happen for some very good reasons. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of going with the flow. Interfering with nature doesn’t really provide permanent solutions. Might as well be patient, stop worrying, enjoy a cup of tea and let nature take it’s course.

That sounds so lazy right? hahahah… I can’t help it. I’m a village lass at heart Smile with tongue out

Monday, May 02, 2011

More than one billion people don’t have access to clean water, digest that!

Blog theme changed!! Now let’s pray that I update regularly. That would be a great change!

Going green on the blog as you can see. Wasn’t anything intentional but I guess sometimes our choices do reflect our believes and thoughts. I’m not an active “save the world” sort of person but I try to incorporate the habit of not wasting water and electricity in my daily life wherever I can. I do fear that the world will run out of natural resources in future but mostly I think it’s selfish of us to waste something just because we have it at our convenience. To know that more than a billion people don’t have access to clean water, it would be cruel of me to waste it right? I know the water that I save won’t reach them but to use more than necessary would render me greedy. Greed = bad. Remember??

Been busy with my crafting this past month, when the mood strikes I have to do it otherwise I end up doing absolutely nothing! Spot the adorable mushroom and cupcake brooches! Will upload more pictures when I’m done!